“I’m just lucky.”

Have you ever had days when you just have this inferiority complex and you would end up not folding laundry but stress-eating and watching Netflix? Then you cry in the middle of the show for nothing, keep doubting yourself, suddenly start thinking about the universe until you can’t stand it and call your best friend.

Yea, that sounds about right. That’s me. The always-self-doubting me.

I’ve never believed in myself. My whole life I’ve never stopped questioning my ability. If you fetishize it, garnish it, and perhaps put a little cherry on top, you can say I have high standards for myself and that I have a “strong will for perfection.”

But 9 out of 10 times, I ruin every great opportunity.

When my piano teacher told me to believe in myself during an important performance, I chickened out and ended up forgetting half of the piece I was supposed to memorize; I didn’t even apply for my dream school which I could’ve gotten in because I didn’t trust myself; I keep telling myself that I’m not good enough because I don’t think I deserve it. Ouch, that’s mean.

See? I’m that kind of jerk who gets an A in an exam and I think that I don’t deserve it so I tell others “I’m just lucky.” Then it becomes a vicious cycle that I’m never satisfied, I improve, feel inferior about it, and oof, everyone hates me.

Probably at this very moment as I’m typing this, I’m not confident about myself.

Life is so sarcastic in a way that as a person working in a non-profit, I tell people to always trust themselves. Now look at me, I was literally melting down this morning.

I guess life isn’t just about self-doubting, but also acknowledging the fact that I hate myself for self-doubting. I may not stop doubting myself within a short period of time and I am a hundred percent sure that I’ll always feel bad about myself, to say the least. My next shower thought would probably be how I accidentally stepped on that old lady’s foot on Muni and didn’t apologize since I was in a rush which was absolutely an excuse, and here I am again, regretting every decision I made.

What I’m trying to say is whatever happened, happened. You can’t change it unless you have this magical power that you snap your fingers and everything goes back to its starting point. Life isn’t the Good Place (if you haven’t already, watch it!!!)— it’s a continuum. I’m learning to say “I’m quite proud of myself,” but before I can actually get those words out of my mouth, I might say “I’m just lucky” for 50 more times. Still, I allow myself to take it at my own pace because I’m at least trying. Instead of mourning over those decisions I’ve made, I try to focus on the future and slowly yet surely grow into a better, more confident self.